Fears and Realizations

Ive been thinking alot lately about true friends. how can you tell if someone is always going to be there for you? you really cant, its a trust thing. WARNING! trust truly is not my forte... i have tried so many times to put my trust in people and it has backfired on me. so how am i supposed to trust someone? i have no idea. ive tried getting to know the person, ive tried building up to "the big ones", ive tried not telling anything to people. none of it works. i am afraid of being talked about, afraid of being looked down upon, afraid of so many things. lets just say straight up insecure about myself. i fear not being able to find someone that will love me for who i am because of my last dating relationship. i am afraid of not having a best friend because the last two people who i called "best friend" turned around and shoved it in my face. im afraid im going to die alone with no kids because i want them so badly. (i know, im only 16 and i want kids, its a girl thing :) i really do watch too many movies. im afraid that im going to be the one that gets into trouble because im the good girl now. again, too many movies... i need to find something to turn to when i have these doubts. i know God can help me when i have doubts. i know he will always be there for me no matter what i do or say or how many friends i have. these doubts have been eating me alive though. i think that God is trying to emphasize to me that i have way to many doubts and i just need to rely on him when i am struggling.

most of these things are all fears i am currently having, but i think that God is trying to resolve some of them. for starters, i have come across multiple opportunities to talk to some girls in youth group. since i have been home i have painted pottery with one of them and worked, went shopping (finally!!!), and went to dinner with another and went to holiday world with another. He is trying to show me that if i try i can find friends that will do things with me! all i have to do is put myself out there and make an attempt at having a normal friendship first. ive kept these friendships at just that for now. no extreme secrets for now, not that i have any :)

another is my relationship with my last boyfriend. up until just the other day we had not talked at all since we had broke up. then, come to find out we have study hall together this semester and we will both be aiding in the bookstore. at first i couldnt believe it! i was actually really upset and i considered not being an aid just because of him, but i really didnt want to. i went home and told my mom about it and she said that God works in mysterious ways sometimes. i thought alot about the things we talked about while we were dating and one of our common conversations was about having a class together this year. guess what?? WE DO! we're just not dating. obviously God didnt want us to have a class together while we were dating, that probably would have been a really bad thing to be honest. but now we do, and i personally think it is to help us rebuild our relationship. but this time just as friends. i am so excited to see what God has instore for us as friends.

well, thats all for tonight :) sorry if this was boring but i just needed to get my thoughts out. :)